I’m still grieving Gatsby. Or rather, I’ve yet to grieve. I cried on Monday, directly after finding his body…but that was more out of shock than anything. Since then though, I’ve been too busy. I went to work on Tuesday and since then it’s been a steady go, go, go. So far I’ve only had off most of yesterday and a few hours today and both days I’ve been careful to keep my mind occupied so that I can’t focus on my loss. It’s probably not a good course of action though, as I’m sure the first time I have more than a few moments to idly think…it’s going to hit me and it’s not going to be pretty. My sister sent me a text message today, asking how I was doing and until then I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t really let myself grieve. I’ve just been too busy. Too busy, and too tired.
I’m tired. It’s not a physical tiredness so much, as an emotional tired. For three months straight, I’ve been putting myself aside in order to give myself to other people. I’m supporting my husband, both emotionally and financially. I’ve been giving my parents a lot of emotionally support while my Dad is recovering from his surgery and a subsequent illness…plus dealing with my youngest sister who, at 23 years old is still very immature and puts a tremendous stress on my parents. And then there is the ever ongoing issues with my best friend. With each passing day, my frustration level with my friend, her soon to be ex, her lawyer and the entire legal system grows exponentially. I hate to admit that, yes, my friend is frustrating…but I can’t deny it. My reaction is to fight but she is at the point where she doesn’t want to fight anymore…she just doesn’t have it in her anymore…and so I get frustrated. Probably because I’m just so tired of feeling as though I have to support everyone around me. Physically I’m just a little girl and I just cannot see how I can still stay standing with everyone leaning against me.
And then Gatsby goes and gets himself killed. Not even two years ago and he gets himself in trouble and I couldn’t save him. The most vulnerable of everyone around me and I completely failed him. I know it’s irrational. I know that I wasn’t even home when he went outside but I can’t help but feel that at least partially I am at fault. I was too distracted to think anything other than Gatsby was going on an adventure and would come home on his own. I was too distracted to decide to go out right away and search for him. Instead I left him die less than 500 yards from home, alone and scared.
I really need something good to happen. I’m really not sure how much longer I can be strong for everyone and continue to support everyone around me. Who’s going to support me?