So Tired

I’m still grieving Gatsby. Or rather, I’ve yet to grieve. I cried on Monday, directly after finding his body…but that was more out of shock than anything. Since then though, I’ve been too busy. I went to work on Tuesday and since then it’s been a steady go, go, go. So far I’ve only had off most of yesterday and a few hours today and  both days I’ve been careful to keep my mind occupied so that I can’t focus on my loss. It’s probably not a good course of action though, as I’m sure the first time I have more than a few moments to idly think…it’s going to hit me and it’s not going to be pretty. My sister sent me a text message today, asking how I was doing and until then I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t really let myself grieve. I’ve just been too busy. Too busy, and too tired.

I’m tired. It’s not a physical tiredness so much, as an emotional tired. For three months straight, I’ve been putting myself aside in order to give myself to other people. I’m supporting my husband, both emotionally and financially. I’ve been giving my parents a lot of emotionally support while my Dad is recovering from his surgery and a subsequent illness…plus dealing with my youngest sister who, at 23 years old is still very immature and puts a tremendous stress on my parents. And then there is the ever ongoing issues with my best friend. With each passing day, my frustration level with my friend, her soon to be ex, her lawyer and the entire legal system grows exponentially. I hate to admit that, yes, my friend is frustrating…but I can’t deny it. My reaction is to fight but she is at the point where she doesn’t want to fight anymore…she just doesn’t have it in her anymore…and so I get frustrated. Probably because I’m just so tired of feeling as though I have to support everyone around me. Physically I’m just a little girl and I just cannot see how I can still stay standing with everyone leaning against me.

And then Gatsby goes and gets himself killed. Not even two years ago and he gets himself in trouble and I couldn’t save him. The most vulnerable of everyone around me and I completely failed him. I know it’s irrational. I know that I wasn’t even home when he went outside but I can’t help but feel that at least partially I am at fault. I was too distracted to think anything other than Gatsby was going on an adventure and would come home on his own. I was too distracted to decide to go out right away and search for him. Instead I left him die less than 500 yards from home, alone and scared. 

I really need something good to happen. I’m really not sure how much longer I can be strong for everyone and continue to support everyone around me. Who’s going to support me? 

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RIP Gatsby

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Gatsby has been missing since Monday or Tuesday. Unfortunately today, Hubby and I found where he had crawled underneath a trailer nearby and passed away. We hope he went peacefully. We’re not sure what happened to him, he might have gotten hit by a car or perhaps ate some poison that might have been put out for some vermin in the area. 

I’m pretty heartbroken. As you might know, Gatsby and Hemingway were the first cats I’ve ever had and I got really attached to them both…and I like to think that Gatsby and I had a special bond…at any rate, he was my little purrbox. And I’ll actually miss the little presents he liked to bring me.

Needless to say, it’s not going to be an easy night or week for me and I will not be posting for a few days.

 

Sometimes I Just Want to Scream

My work was (or is, as I still have to work tomorrow) overwhelming. It was one thing after another. Hopefully tomorrow’s extra five hours will be okay…but I’m not holding my breath I’m sure something else will come up The good thing is that I will have Monday off so I will still have three full days off. Sunday morning will be very full with the breakfast..but a good kind of busy The distracting kind.

When my husband picked me up today at work, he had to break the news to me that Gatsby (one of our cats) is missing and has been missing since Monday. And so I am worried. My Mom tried to assure me that he probably has a secret hiding spot he likes, and will come home when he gets hungry and tired of fending for himself but I’m worried.

The drama with my friend is still ongoing. Nothing new, it’s still the same situation as she waits for the court date to finally get unhitched from the POS (piece of shit) that is her soon to be ex…but it’s stressful, sad, lonely and frustrating for her. And frustrating and completely maddening for me as I’m mostly just a spectator in this and all I want to do is drive out to MI and punch the POS in his junk. Finally today, after the culmination of everything that already happened this week…I kind of cracked and shot off an email to my friend’s lawyer about a specific concern that should have been dealt with ages ago. I was very impressive and my friend now thinks I should be a paralegal. So, I’m taking it as a win. 

Tonight’s plan was going to be spent watching movies on Netflix but hubby’s friends came over for a game night (it was suppose to be held somewhere else). Not a huge deal, but I really was looking forward to a night to myself…especially after the week I’ve been having.

Being Busy

I am gearing up for a busy weekend. Thursday (today), after I get done work at 9am, will be the only day where I have absolutely nothing to do. On Friday I am picking up a few hours of overtime. On Saturday our town is having an out door farmers market in which the Lion’s Club will be selling hot dogs. On Sunday the Lion’s Club is holding the annual pancake breakfast. And somewhere in there I’m aiming to make a pie for the American Legion’s Memorial Day pie sale.

I am tired, and I haven’t even gotten started. In fact, I probably won’t participate on Saturday…although, no doubt I’ll walk down to see what’s going on.

I don’t like being busy. I don’t like rushing from one activity to the next, without a chance to just be. I like my space. I like having time to curl up with a book, or my laptop or even Netflix and just enjoy the company of myself.

And a lot of times I feel like I am in the minority. It seems like we are living in a society hell bent on always being busy. Part of it is out of necessity I am sure…lots of people need to work overtime, or multiple jobs to make ends meet. Or work jobs where they are required to put in insane hours. But there are just as many people who willingly say yes to every opportunity that comes their way. There is always such a rush to get to the next thing that I just can’t understand how anyone is able to enjoy what they are doing in the moment.

Are those people even enjoying what they are keeping busy with? Or do they stay busy because they are scared of just being still? Or do they even know how to just sit on the couch and watch tv, or read a book…or just sit quietly. Maybe that scares them into constant movement.

Personally I love stillness. I find that I have a better understanding of myself and that when I do decide to participate in something I truly enjoy myself because I choose not to live my life as a busy person. My life is rich, just as rich as the person who crams 30 hours of activity into a mere 24 hours.

For the Love of Animals

Over the weekend, I watched the documentary Black Fish, a film about Orca whales living in captivity in places such as Sea World. II had been wanting to watch it for awhile now, as Hubby’s sister works for Green Peace and has participated in demonstrations against the theme park.

I loved the film, even teared up several times throughout. I love animals, always have, and I tend to get very sensitive whenever the topic of animal cruelty comes up. I am not a vegetarian, though, it is something I have considered seriously many times over the years because I really hate the idea of how animals are treated on the majority of farms that supply the beef, pork and poultry we eat on a daily basis.

Before this movie though, I hadn’t thought too much about places such as Sea World and other places that “employ” animals as performers. Sure, those animals can also give scientist some valuable research…but at what cost? Being forced away from their natural habitats? Being forced away from their family members, especially their children?

After watching this, I can say for a fact that I will never visit Sea World, or attend any other shows that use animals for performing purposes. Further, I am reconsidering my diet. I’m not sure if vegetarianism is a feasible option, but I can make more of an effort to eat free range whenever possible. It will be more pricey, for sure, but I do think I’d feel better.

Unique Reading Habits

In a typical month, I read about 10  books. When I am home, I typically have two books going at one time…a physical book from my physically bookshelf and an ebook on my Kindle. My physical book will get taken around my apartment, outside, the living room, the bathroom…my Kindle book gets taken everywhere else.

I read just about everywhere. My Hubby teases me that the only place I don’t read is when I am driving although that is an exaggeration. A slight exaggeration. I admit though, thanks to the technology that allows me to access my Kindle library right on my phone…I literally am never without something to read and I do take advantage of that fact. Pretty much any time I find myself having to wait for something or someone…I automatically grab my phone, launch the Kindle app and get through a least a few pages of whatever my latest read is. I’ve read while waiting for something to cook, while doing laundry. Even at the grocery store, waiting for someone else to finish their shopping I might spend the time getting lost in another world.

I’m surprised that there hasn’t been stranger places I’ve found myself reading. Or maybe I do read in some interesting places, but I’ve gotten so accustomed to my habit that I no longer notice that I’m doing it.

How about you? Have you ever found yourself reading (or another similar habit) in a strange place that you’d never guess you’d ever find yourself?

Drowning, then Breathing

The last few weeks I was struggling. I had fallen into the grips of depression, and I could not fight my way out of it. 

I am no stranger to depression. Since my teen years I have faced this particular demon, and while with each passing episode, it gets better, I have better tools, support…it still rocks me to the core and leaves me fragile.

Sometimes I know the culprit that let the demon into my life. Sometimes I don’t. This time around, there were many culprits. Trying to be a rock for my best friend. Supporting my parents during a lengthy illness. Trying to be a good wife. Dealing with two puppies at the same time, while still trying to be a good cat Mommy. Then I got sick. And sick again. 

It was a lot. Some I shared on here, more I shared with Hubby…but a lot I internalized. And yeah, you can guess how that worked out.

So for the past few weeks I felt pretty miserable but did my best to hide it. 

But thankfully things are getting better. My friend and parents are better than they were. Hubby and I are communicating a lot better than we had been. My puppies are growing and becoming more manageable (I will no doubt get more dogs in my lifetime, but never more puppies). 

Yesterday I even indulged in some retail therapy. We took a trip up to Binghamton so I could go to the Goodwill where I spent (no lie) 3 hours shopping. I walked out with something like 6 new shirts, 3 new pair of jeans and 4 books. Hubby picked up a few things for himself as well and together we spent a whopping $55. 

This morning I even felt motivated enough to cook up a huge batch of french toast for us (we ate it for brunch, then again for dinner!) and then I caught up with sorting through a huge pile of laundry that somehow got washed, but never got put away. I was wondering why it seemed as though I was going through my laundry way too quickly.

I have a few busy weekends coming up. Hopefully I’ll have enough downtime so I don’t get overwhelmed.

A Little Unwell

I was sick, again, Wednesday evening at work. I had been fine all day and then suddenly I was not fine. Then, probably should be going to the ER, not fine. It  was bad. Brutal. Honestly? I do not think I have ever been as sick as I was. I literally called my Mom sobbing from being in extreme pain. What was worse? I was stuck at work.

I was okay the next day, although I went to the walk in after I got done work. I was diagnosed with a stomach virus, but both my Mom and I suspect that I had a gallbladder attack as I have had bad stomach pains before, after eating fatty/greasy meals. Prior to getting sick on Wednesday, I had eaten lunch at Burger King. Of course with a problem gallbladder, it only is inflamed during an actual attack, so it was back to normal size by the time I saw a doctor…so now my Mom made me promise that I would avoid greasy food and if I did start getting those stomach pains like I have in the past…to go to the ER then and there and get checked out.

So now I’m cautious about what I eat. Silverlining…when I weighed myself Friday (after not eating since Wednesday afternoon), I discovered I lost 5 pounds.

Mentally, I’ve been out of sorts all weekend as well. Part of it I’m sure was fear of having another attack (did I mention the excruciating pain?) and part of it was the fact it was Mother’s Day and I felt homesick and all sorts of conflicted about the holiday. And probably the fact the weather, aside from today, has been fairly miserable didn’t help matters. 

Hubby and I are in the process of working on a project though, so when we get the details ironed out I’ll be reveling some info on it. It should be good and I’m excited about it.